Snow, Grit and Plebbledashing

Posted: 5th January 2010 by Get No Happy in Miscellaneous

I do love the snow. It makes everything so pretty. Even Stockport is made a slightly less oppressive place to live by this fluffy white blanket. I’ve always wanted enough snow to “trudge” through, and today’s deluge more than sufficed for this purpose. Thank heavens for my autistic watching of Ray Mears or I would have surely died on the way to the station. I do envy the younger generation at this point: yes they are having their minds warped by internet pornography, yes they’ll live with having every breath analyzed for explosive traces, yes their education will consist of how to build and use pick-axes for Peter Mandelson’s naquada mines and yes they’ll likely die in Gruel Wars of the 2040’s, but they got lots of snow to play in. Enough for real snowball fights. Ones with ammo dumps and forts, no harvesting pathetic shavings from shadowed window sills or grimly throwing icy sludge at each other for them. No sir. Lucky bastards.

SHUT UP ABOUT THE GRIT, and general lack of preparedness. There, I said it. Yes we were unprepared for it, but in the same way Hiroshima failed to prepare for the atomic bomb. Think of it this way: imagine now the streets were being cleaned by marvelous laser-driven super-ploughs, atomic powered de-icers and teams of GM huskies that eat snow and shit rock-salt. Now imagine it’s back in October 2009 when the trend was for council workers to search all the lands sofas for a few extra pennies, the headlines would have been interesting:

“Council madness as USELESS fusion-plows have never seen snow”
“WHITE ELEPHANTS – with a picture of a plow, see snow is white and we have none so the plow is useless… like a white elephant-”
“Millions wasted on acquisition and maintenance of equipment designed for Siberia… not SUBurbia”*

Oh the scandals there would have been, the fidgeting of Press Officers as they’re asked about the never-used equipment, why? Because it’s been 30 years since this country saw this weather and it would be silly to have made such investment in the snow clearing arts. Now if this happens consecutively for say 3 years then yes, the fact the country grinds to a halt every time a flake tumbles from the sky would be an issue. For now unless you need oxygen delivering just chill and don’t ring a radio station or talk to a reporter…

This may be my word of the year, and I only found it a few days ago amongst the ravings of Charlie Brooker. It fits so perfectly with it’s definition “The padding of a short or low quality news item with pointless vox-popping. I’m not sure if it’s a ‘real’ media buzz-word or he made it up, but I love it. Anyway yes, had the amount of plebbledashing surrounding the weather been turned into grit, we’d have no snow on the ground most of the UK would resemble the Sahara. I’m just so sick of hearing peoples experiences of the snow, seeing pictures of their street with snow or seeing the snow golems they’ve summoned (apart from the Darlek, that was awesome). I simply can’t bare hearing another fucking person say “well I tried to go to work/school/collect my heroin fix/ but couldn’t” to a microphone.

Is there really so little news that every report about airport closures has to be laced with this drivel? I get the reporters want to play in the stuff themselves but they could at least pretend to be doing their job properly. Please, only show the stories than involve cannibalism or the approach of Imperial Walkers

*Why don’t I work for a red-top? This stuff is solid gold.

  1. anonomaly says:

    What I find amusing is how even though the snow was pretty bad here and up north yesterday, there wasn’t a *huge* amount of coverage apart from the regional news.
    But as soon as the snowflakes trickled around London, panic and sensationalism ensues. Look at the BBC and Guardian websites today, and you see BRITAIN FACES SNOW DISRUPTION – LIVE, SNOW DISRUPTS SCHOOL & TRAVEL on the front pages.